A New Beginning, an Old Face, and a lot of Lilt

You know when you don't sleep, so you can't quite function properly that day? And then if that has a knock-on effect on the next night's sleep, the next day is affected too, and so on, in a string of days where you're not quite 100% and can't sleep either? And then after a few days of this you get a decent sleep, you're refreshed and ready, and you feel SO much better despite not having felt that bad over the sleepless days, you are at your best, and it feels amazing?

I've Come a Long Way, and I'm Only Getting Started

I'm 24. A PhD student, spending every day doing research I love, and in the evening I chat to friends, watch Netflix, skype my wonderful girlfriend Ciara, or go out for a walk on the seafront. Sounds pretty perfect, right? What could I have to feel down about?

Three years ago my mental health was deteriorating rapidly. I was about a month and a half froom being diagnosed with severe depression. But my situation then wasn't too different, on the face of things. Good friends, good course at uni, I was even a lot fitter and stronger, even winning trophies and stuff. So why was I in such a desperate situation back then?

The answer is that depression doesn't care. It doesn't matter how happy you 'should' be, or how great things seem on the surface, because depression doesn't care about the surface, or about rational evaluations of how good things seem. It is not sadness. sadness is a response to negative things happening. Depression makes everything in the world seem negative, twisting reality into a hideous dark version of itself where the idea that happiness could ever happen again seems impossible. And that is terrifying. A pit of despair with no light at the top or any visible way to climb out.

Anyway, the point of me saying all this, is that there is a way out. Not a quick one, or an easy one. My diagnosis was nearly three years ago, when it actually started is closer to ten years ago, and I'm still not 100% yet. But it can get better. Friends and family can help you find handholds in the wall of the pit. Medicine and counselling sheds light on the path and slows your fall. And my beautiful cat, who is sat on my knee right now, made the pit feel less lonely.

I'm nearly back to the surface now, and light is shining in. I can see the handholds for myself now, and my friends, family, Ciara, and Hollie the cat are waiting at the top encouraging me onwards. I'm nearly there, which makes me so proud.

One in four people experiences mental health difficulties in any given year. One in four. I am going to do everything I can to help those people. I went through a horrendous time. But if I can help others get through the same or similar things, then it will have been worth it.

Tomorrow I'm off to Oxford to the Student Minds Story Sessions training day for Press Ambassadors. I'm going to start on a new path, to using my experiences to promote awareness, fight stigma, and most importantly help other people who are going through their own mental health struggles. I'm scared, it's a big thing, but I honestly can't wait to get started.

2017; Withdrawal, Freedom, and a Bottle of Lilt

Happy New Year! Plus about a week, I've been ill and busy (starting 2017 the way most of 2016 went, then!). I hope you had a lovely winter break, Christmas, New Year, all the lovely times associated with trying to pretend it's not miserable outside.
What are your resolutions, aims or goals for 2017? I have one big one; one that I've been setting my sights on for years. One that I am determined to achieve, and that I'm going to be so proud when I have done so.

This year, I am going to drink a bottle of Lilt.

This isn't a sponsored post, I just love and miss Lilt

World Mental Health Day; My Mental Health Tips

Today (the tenth of October) is World Mental Health day! Mental Health is a really important issue for me personally, but also for everyone; while nobody really talks about it 9not nearly enough, at least) it impacts on a huge percentage of the population, and is the biggest cause of death in my age group in the UK. It is likely to affect you, or someone you know, either right now or in the future, so I thought today I'd share some of my tips for lookjing after your mental health. I found these out the hard way so hopefully sharing them will stop somebody else having to!

Working Things Through; Imposter Syndrome and Fear of Messing Up

I am not confident in myself. Not just when I speak to people, or do anything traditionally nerve-wracking, but in everything I do, and everything I am; or at least, that I'm pretending to be. It feels like the classic 'imposter syndrome' deal, but it is seeping through my whole life. A lot of the time I feel like I just go through the motions, or that I am permanently 'faking it till I make it', even when I'm just being me.

There's this Gareth lurking in my head who is really happy with who I am. I get excited at the prospect of being 'me', of doing things I do like going into the lab, writing out a blog post, doing all the fun little sciencey hobby stuff I've started doing now with all the Instagram and videos and blog things. Being a proper scientist like I've always wanted, with things like talking at conferences, doing the public engagement bits, my Friendly Bacteria internet things...

Is that the real me though? Because if you take the whole me, the Garethome if you will, that's not how it pans out. That stuff really scares me. Like, to the point where I freeze up entirely. Even really easy, small stuff like checking on how my bacteria are growing in the lab. My office is almost opposite the lab, I could be up from my desk, suited up with lab coat and gloves and spraying things down with ethanol within sixty seconds. And yet whole days have gone by where I've had things I can be doing in the lab but I can't bring myself to even leave my chair. Not because I don't know what I'm doing, or anything like that, but that I'm so afraid trying to become this version of myself that I do actually want to become that even the first small steps are really overwhelming. I have officey things to do while I'm there anyway, but quick trips to the lab are delayed minutes, hours, sometimes even a whole day.

With this Friendly Bacteria stuff, too, I hit the same wall. Every time I pipe up on Twitter as being willing to chat with people or interact or do whatever, I almost immediately completely lock up, unable to respond to whoever it may be when they reply to my comments/tweets/emails. When I do, it's typically been non-committal, avoiding actually signing up to do anything concrete... I do want to, but I'm scared that I can't, or that I'll mess it up. Bringing it back round to the imposter syndrome; I'm scared that I'm not a person who actually can do these things, and that putting myself in the position to do them will just reveal to myself and everyone else that that's the case... and knowing what imposter syndrome, and all that stuff means and is, doesn't help much when you're in that situation.

That's the deal, that's where I am right now. But, writing this down has helped sort things out. I've said a few times how I do actually want to be doing what I do, from my PhD to the scicomm-y Friendly Bacteria stuff. I do know what it's like for my head to not quite agree with itself, too, for various reasons that aren't for today, and I know how I can diminish it to manageable levels, even unnoticeable levels. Friendly Bacteria has been irregular lately, which is making it harder to keep up with; that's something I can easily change, and that will help things. And I need to remember, or remind myself when I need to, that the lab is my happy place. I put on my lab coat, and I change. It's like a mask, or an acting part, but I'm acting like myself. Like the me that gets excited rather than hiding away. Like the me that I want to be.

And wherever I am, I need to remember that that lab, that feeling, is just across the corridor.

Mental Health Awareness Week Post 5: Myself

This week is Mental Health Awareness week, with a theme of 'relationships'. I'm going to be publishing a blog post each day talking about different ways in which relationships with various people (or groups of people) impact on my mental health. I've struggled with depression for years now, and my journey has been shaped by relationships and interactions with others.

Today, I'll be writing about my relationship with myself, leading up to the lowest point in my depression.

 

I've tried to be accurate and descriptive, so don't read this if you think that might get to you.

Mental Health Awareness Week Day 4: Animals

This week is Mental Health Awareness week, with a theme of 'relationships'. I'm going to be publishing a blog post each day talking about different ways in which relationships with various people (or groups of people) impact on my mental health. I've struggled with depression for years now, and my journey has been shaped by relationships and interactions with others.

Today, I'll be writing about my relationships with animals.

Mental Health Awareness Week Day 3: Medical People

This week is Mental Health Awareness week, with a theme of 'relationships'. I'm going to be publishing a blog post each day talking about different ways in which relationships with various people (or groups of people) impact on my mental health. I've struggled with depression for years now, and my journey has been shaped by relationships and interactions with others.

Today, I'll be writing about my relationships with all the assorted doctors, psychiatrists, psychologists and mental health nurses I've had dealings with over the years.

Mental Health Awareness week Day 2: Family

This week is Mental Health Awareness week, with a theme of 'relationships'. I'm going to be publishing a blog post each day talking about different ways in which relationships with various people (or groups of people) impact on my mental health. I've struggled with depression for years now, and my journey has been shaped by relationships and interactions with others.

Today, I'll be writing about my relationships with my family.

Mental Health Awareness week Day 1: Friends

This week is Mental Health Awareness week, with a theme of 'relationships'. I'm going to be publishing a blog post each day talking about different ways in which relationships with various people (or groups of people) impact on my mental health. I've struggled with depression for years now, and my journey has been shaped by relationships and interactions with others.

Today, I'll be writing about my relationships with my friends.

MHAW2016: Sharing my Experience

Next week is Mental Health Awareness Week. Mental health is something that affects a huge number of us, including myself; I suffer from anxiety and depression, and over the last few years have really struggled with it. Now that I'm beginning to recover, however, I'm keen to help others going through the same sort of thing.

Next week, to help raise awareness and understanding of mental health, I will be posting a blog post every day of the week. The theme is 'relationships', so I'll be looking at different types of relationships and how they all affected me throughout the worst patches of my illness.

Then, I'll share a bit more about my general experience with it all, and answer any questions people might have! 

If you have anything to ask send me a message here or on Twitter (@friendlybugblog)! I'll keep everyone anonymous so ask absolutely anything!