I am not confident in myself. Not just when I speak to people, or do anything traditionally nerve-wracking, but in everything I do, and everything I am; or at least, that I'm pretending to be. It feels like the classic 'imposter syndrome' deal, but it is seeping through my whole life. A lot of the time I feel like I just go through the motions, or that I am permanently 'faking it till I make it', even when I'm just being me.
There's this Gareth lurking in my head who is really happy with who I am. I get excited at the prospect of being 'me', of doing things I do like going into the lab, writing out a blog post, doing all the fun little sciencey hobby stuff I've started doing now with all the Instagram and videos and blog things. Being a proper scientist like I've always wanted, with things like talking at conferences, doing the public engagement bits, my Friendly Bacteria internet things...
Is that the real me though? Because if you take the whole me, the Garethome if you will, that's not how it pans out. That stuff really scares me. Like, to the point where I freeze up entirely. Even really easy, small stuff like checking on how my bacteria are growing in the lab. My office is almost opposite the lab, I could be up from my desk, suited up with lab coat and gloves and spraying things down with ethanol within sixty seconds. And yet whole days have gone by where I've had things I can be doing in the lab but I can't bring myself to even leave my chair. Not because I don't know what I'm doing, or anything like that, but that I'm so afraid trying to become this version of myself that I do actually want to become that even the first small steps are really overwhelming. I have officey things to do while I'm there anyway, but quick trips to the lab are delayed minutes, hours, sometimes even a whole day.
With this Friendly Bacteria stuff, too, I hit the same wall. Every time I pipe up on Twitter as being willing to chat with people or interact or do whatever, I almost immediately completely lock up, unable to respond to whoever it may be when they reply to my comments/tweets/emails. When I do, it's typically been non-committal, avoiding actually signing up to do anything concrete... I do want to, but I'm scared that I can't, or that I'll mess it up. Bringing it back round to the imposter syndrome; I'm scared that I'm not a person who actually can do these things, and that putting myself in the position to do them will just reveal to myself and everyone else that that's the case... and knowing what imposter syndrome, and all that stuff means and is, doesn't help much when you're in that situation.
That's the deal, that's where I am right now. But, writing this down has helped sort things out. I've said a few times how I do actually want to be doing what I do, from my PhD to the scicomm-y Friendly Bacteria stuff. I do know what it's like for my head to not quite agree with itself, too, for various reasons that aren't for today, and I know how I can diminish it to manageable levels, even unnoticeable levels. Friendly Bacteria has been irregular lately, which is making it harder to keep up with; that's something I can easily change, and that will help things. And I need to remember, or remind myself when I need to, that the lab is my happy place. I put on my lab coat, and I change. It's like a mask, or an acting part, but I'm acting like myself. Like the me that gets excited rather than hiding away. Like the me that I want to be.
And wherever I am, I need to remember that that lab, that feeling, is just across the corridor.